I've always thought one of the funniest things about Young Sheldon was that Sheldon Cooper could understand complicated scientific theories but couldn't always figure out what was happening right in front of his nose.
His twin sister Missy, meanwhile, could read a room better than most adults.
Sheldon knew mathematics and physics. Missy understood people. He could solve problems that would leave grown scientists scratching their heads, while she could tell when somebody was upset, hiding something, or trying to impress someone else.
And both children were perfectly capable of getting on each other's nerves.
What I appreciate about their relationship is that the show never pretended they were supposed to be identical simply because they were twins.
When Young Sheldon begins in 1989, the children are nine years old. Sheldon has already skipped four grades and is entering high school. Missy remains in fourth grade with children her own age.
Nobody suggests that Missy should be dragged into high school with him.
And nobody seriously argues that Sheldon must remain in elementary school until his sister catches up.
Thank goodness.
Because that would have been ridiculous.
But I've seen another television family make almost exactly that kind of mistake.
In Everybody Loves Raymond, Ray and Debra Barone decide to hold both their twins back in preschool because Michael isn't quite ready for kindergarten. His brother Geoffrey is progressing normally, but the parents want to keep the boys together.
I couldn't agree with that decision.
And when I think about Sheldon and Missy, I'm even more convinced that the Barones were wrong.
Two children can share a birthday without sharing the same abilities, interests, or educational needs. Neither one should have to organize his future around the other's progress.
But Young Sheldon also explored another side of raising children with different abilities.
The Coopers allowed Sheldon to advance academically, which I believe was the right approach. Unfortunately, they sometimes became so preoccupied with their gifted son that Missy felt like an afterthought.
So the family got one important thing right and struggled with another.
They understood that the twins needed different educational paths.
What they didn't always understand was that both children needed equal consideration at home.
And there's an episode that makes that painfully clear.
Sheldon Was the Genius. But Nobody Seemed Interested in What Missy Could Do.
In the second-season episode "A Research Study and Czechoslovakian Wedding Pastries," which aired October 18, 2018, Dr. John Sturgis recommends Sheldon and Missy for a university research project involving twins.
The researchers want to learn how genetics and environment influence different abilities.
Naturally, Sheldon is delighted.
A university wants to study his intelligence!
He gets to answer questions, solve puzzles, and demonstrate how brilliant he is.
For Sheldon, that's practically a vacation.
Missy isn't nearly as enthusiastic.
She assumes the researchers want to discover why Sheldon is so smart and she's merely average.
And that bothered me.
Because she's already accepted the idea that her brother is the exceptional child while she's the ordinary one.
I don't believe Missy arrived at that conclusion entirely on her own.
Sheldon receives enormous attention because of his academic abilities. His family worries about his unusual interests, his social difficulties, his schooling, and his future.
Professors take an interest in him.
His mother is constantly trying to protect him.
His grandmother helps him pursue opportunities that other children his age could only dream about.
And Missy?
Well, Missy is Missy.
She's funny. She's sociable. She's usually capable of looking after herself.
So everyone assumes she's fine.
I don't think that's fair.
A child shouldn't have to be academically gifted, unusually demanding, or visibly struggling to deserve attention.
And Missy has her own abilities, even if they aren't the kind that earn a nine-year-old admission to high school.
She agrees to participate in the study after discovering that a trip to Dairy Queen might be involved.
I have to laugh at that.
Sheldon wants to advance human knowledge.
Missy wants an Oreo Blizzard.
Both sound like perfectly reasonable reasons to leave the house.
But what happens during the study reveals much more about the twins than the adults expected.
Sheldon Could Explain the Pictures. Missy Understood the People in Them.
During the research sessions, Sheldon and Missy are placed in separate rooms.
The researchers ask them questions while their parents and Meemaw watch the sessions on monitors.
At first, Sheldon enjoys the academic testing.
He's comfortable answering questions that have clear solutions.
He knows how to approach mathematical problems, and he likes having his intelligence recognized.
Missy doesn't share his enthusiasm for formal testing, although she has no trouble making conversation with the woman evaluating her.
Then the researchers introduce pictures depicting social situations.
And suddenly the difference between the twins becomes obvious.
Sheldon is shown an illustration of chimpanzees gathered in a living room.
He describes what he sees.
There are chimpanzees.
They're sitting in a room.
They're doing things that real chimpanzees ordinarily wouldn't do.
Technically, he's not wrong.
But the researchers want to know what the characters might be feeling or thinking.
That's where Sheldon struggles.
Missy looks at the same illustration and immediately begins interpreting the relationships.
She notices that one character appears to be sharing a secret.
She observes another character's reaction.
She considers why a younger character might be leaving the room and how he might feel about it.
She's practically inventing an entire family drama from one picture.
And I love that.
Because it demonstrates an ability Sheldon lacks.
Missy can recognize emotional and social cues that her brother often overlooks.
She doesn't need a physics degree to figure out that somebody is upset or that two people might be sharing a secret.
She notices.
Now, I wouldn't suggest that the experiment establishes Missy is more intelligent than Sheldon overall. These are different abilities, and an individual test doesn't measure every aspect of a person's intelligence.
But the episode makes an important point.
A child who isn't academically gifted may still possess abilities that deserve just as much respect.
Missy understands people.
And in ordinary life, understanding people is enormously useful.
It helps us recognize when someone needs support.
It helps us communicate.
It helps us build friendships.
And it helps us avoid the sort of misunderstandings that Sheldon seems capable of creating before breakfast.
Sheldon may know more about theoretical physics.
But if I needed someone to figure out why a friend suddenly stopped speaking to me, I think I'd call Missy.
At least she'd understand why I was asking.
The Most Revealing Part of the Study Wasn't a Test Question
As the research continues, one of the psychologists compliments Missy on her ability to notice things other people miss.
Then she asks how Missy became so observant.
Missy's explanation is heartbreaking.
She tells the researcher that her father and older brother Georgie have football together.
They're a team.
Her mother and Meemaw spend much of their time taking care of Sheldon.
They're another team.
And Missy?
She doesn't have a team.
She's on her own.
I think that says more about the Cooper family than any formal test could.
Sheldon has an extraordinary memory and remarkable academic abilities, but Missy is the child who has figured out how everyone's attention is distributed.
She knows which family members are involved in which activities.
She knows who receives help.
And she knows who gets left out.
The adults have been so busy attending to the children with obvious needs or interests that they've overlooked the child who seems to manage without much assistance.
That's a mistake.
And I'm glad the episode allows Mary and George to hear it.
Because sometimes parents assume the child who complains the least is the child who needs the least.
That assumption can be terribly unfair.
Missy doesn't necessarily demand attention the way Sheldon does.
She isn't constantly asking her mother to arrange special educational opportunities.
She doesn't require someone to explain ordinary social interactions.
And perhaps because she's capable of handling so much herself, the family forgets that she's still a little girl.
She wants somebody to take an interest in her.
She wants to feel important.
And she wants to know that the people she loves are paying attention.
Being independent doesn't mean a child has no emotional needs. Sometimes it means she's learned that nobody is likely to notice them unless she handles them herself.
I'd be upset to discover that a nine-year-old in my care felt that way.
And I'd want to do more than tell her I loved her.
I'd want to change how I treated her.
Mary Tried to Make It Up to Missy. But the Problem Was Bigger Than Dinner.
When the family leaves the study, Mary allows Missy to choose where they'll eat.
Missy is thrilled.
For once, the decision is hers.
She chooses Red Lobster.
It's a small gesture, but I appreciate it.
Mary has recognized that her daughter feels overlooked, and she's trying to give her some attention.
But choosing a restaurant isn't going to solve years of feeling secondary.
If Missy thinks her mother and grandmother belong to Sheldon's team, she needs to see that they can belong to hers, too.
Not once.
Not as a special treat after a difficult conversation.
Regularly.
I think this is where parents can make a mistake without realizing it.
They discover that one child feels neglected, so they arrange a special outing or buy a present.
And that's nice.
But what happens afterward?
Does the parent continue making time for that child?
Does she ask about the child's interests?
Does she attend the child's activities without treating them as less important than a sibling's accomplishments?
Or does everything return to normal until the child becomes upset again?
Missy needed more than a dinner choice.
She needed her parents to recognize her as someone with her own interests and feelings.
And the show eventually gives us examples of George making that effort.
When Missy becomes interested in baseball, he spends time teaching her.
She goes on to play the sport, and he has opportunities to encourage her in something she enjoys.
I like seeing that.
Because George doesn't have to pretend Missy is interested in physics to connect with her.
And she doesn't have to pretend to be Georgie to enjoy baseball with her father.
He can build a relationship with her around something they genuinely share.
That's what I wish the adults had done more consistently.
Pay attention to the child who's actually standing in front of you.
Find out what she enjoys.
And let her know she's worth your time.
Sheldon Was Right to Skip Grades. Missy Was Right to Stay Where She Was.
Here's the part of Young Sheldon I believe parents should take seriously.
Sheldon and Missy have different educational needs, so they attend different grades.
At nine, Sheldon is ready for high-school-level academic work.
Missy isn't.
And there's nothing shameful about either situation.
Most nine-year-olds aren't ready for high school.
Missy is doing what children her age ordinarily do.
She's attending elementary school, making friends, and developing her own interests.
Sheldon, meanwhile, is working at a level far beyond that of most children his age.
Keeping him in fourth grade simply because Missy is there would ignore his academic needs.
And sending Missy to high school simply because Sheldon is ready would be equally foolish.
She might find the academic work overwhelming, and the social environment wouldn't necessarily suit her.
So the Coopers allow the children to take different paths.
That's the right decision.
Now, I wouldn't claim that accelerating a gifted child is always appropriate. School placement should consider academic readiness, emotional development, social circumstances, and the child's individual situation.
Sheldon himself faces problems adjusting to high school.
He's younger than his classmates.
He has difficulty understanding social expectations.
And he often needs his parents to help him navigate situations that other teenagers understand more easily.
His intellectual abilities don't eliminate those difficulties.
But the family doesn't solve the problem by pretending his academic abilities don't exist.
They try to help him meet the challenges associated with moving ahead.
That's a much healthier approach than automatically tying his education to his sister's.
Sheldon shouldn't have to slow down because Missy isn't academically ready, and Missy shouldn't have to hurry because Sheldon is.
They're allowed to be different.
And I'd argue that this respect for their differences should extend beyond the classroom.
The Barone Twins Deserved the Same Consideration
This brings me back to the decision Ray and Debra made on Everybody Loves Raymond.
In the episode "Left Back," Michael Barone is having trouble with some preschool skills, including cutting paper and drawing shapes.
His twin Geoffrey is progressing normally.
The school recommends that Michael repeat preschool.
But instead of allowing Geoffrey to move ahead, Ray and Debra decide that both boys should remain together.
I discussed that decision in One Twin Was Ready for Kindergarten. Everybody Loves Raymond Held Him Back Anyway.
I disagreed with the Barones then, and I disagree with them now.
If Michael genuinely needed another year of preschool, the family should have provided it.
But Geoffrey's educational placement should have been decided according to Geoffrey's needs.
The argument that the boys were close and shouldn't be separated wasn't enough.
Twins can remain close while attending different grades.
They can have separate interests and friends.
They can develop different talents.
And they can learn to appreciate one another without expecting their lives to follow identical schedules.
Sheldon and Missy demonstrate that.
They're in completely different educational environments, yet they still have a relationship.
They tease one another.
They argue.
They occasionally help one another.
And they continue being brother and sister.
Sheldon doesn't stop being Missy's twin because he's taking advanced classes.
Missy doesn't become less valuable because she's taking fourth-grade classes.
Why should Geoffrey have been expected to give up an opportunity simply because Michael wasn't ready for it?
One child's progress shouldn't be treated as a problem that needs to be corrected for the other child's comfort.
And I wouldn't want Michael growing up believing that Geoffrey was obligated to remain beside him whenever he needed extra time.
That's an unfair responsibility to place on either child.
The Coopers Made a Different Mistake: They Let Missy Become the Forgotten Twin
Unfortunately, allowing children to follow different paths doesn't automatically mean treating them fairly.
And this is where Young Sheldon becomes more critical of its own family.
Mary and George understand that Sheldon needs an unusual education.
But they sometimes allow his needs to dominate the household.
Missy repeatedly notices.
And as she grows older, her frustration becomes harder to ignore.
In the sixth-season episode "Teen Angst and a Smart-Boy Walk of Shame," which aired March 9, 2023, Missy feels forgotten by her family.
With Sheldon preoccupied by his academic projects, Georgie becoming a father, and the adults dealing with their own problems, Missy has difficulty getting anyone to listen to her.
Her family even forgets to pick her up from school during the excitement surrounding Mandy giving birth.
And when Missy becomes angry, the adults focus on her attitude.
Now, I don't believe being overlooked gives a teenager permission to behave however she wants.
Missy is responsible for her choices, just as Sheldon and Georgie are.
But if my daughter told me she'd spent years feeling invisible, I wouldn't begin by dismissing her feelings as teenage drama.
I'd want to know how we'd reached that point.
Because this wasn't the first time Missy had expressed that concern.
Years earlier, during the twin study, she'd already explained that she felt as though nobody was on her team.
And now, as a teenager, she still feels neglected.
That's not something the parents should brush aside.
Sheldon's needs may be complicated, but Missy's needs are real.
One child may require unusual academic support.
Another may need more time with a parent.
Another may need guidance through friendships or emotional difficulties.
Parents have to pay attention to all of them.
I don't expect Mary and George to divide every hour perfectly among their children.
Families don't work that way.
Some days one child needs more help than another.
But if one child receives constant consideration while another repeatedly feels forgotten, the parents need to change something.
A child shouldn't have to become the family emergency before somebody takes an interest in her.
And Missy shouldn't have to compete with Sheldon's extraordinary intellect for ordinary parental attention.
Jewish Wisdom Has a Better Standard Than Treating Siblings Identically
There's a teaching in Proverbs 22:6 that I think belongs in every discussion about raising children with different abilities.
It tells us to educate a child according to that child's way.
The nineteenth-century Jewish commentator Malbim explains that people are naturally suited to different kinds of intellectual and practical pursuits. One child may have a sharp mind for certain subjects, while another may show strengths in different skills or interests.
Education should recognize those differences instead of trying to force every child into the same mold.
I love that approach.
Because it doesn't tell parents to make their children identical.
It tells them to understand whom they're teaching.
Sheldon was born with extraordinary academic abilities.
Missy had a wonderful understanding of human behavior.
Both could learn new things.
Both could develop skills they initially struggled with.
And both needed adults who recognized their strengths without treating their weaknesses as character flaws.
There's another teaching in Mishnah Sanhedrin 4:5 about the uniqueness of human beings.
It describes how a person can stamp many coins using the same mold and produce identical images, while human beings are created so that no two are exactly alike.
Think about that in connection with twins.
They may share the same parents, the same birthday, and much of the same upbringing.
But they aren't duplicates.
Each is a human being with his or her own personality and potential.
I think a rabbi approaching the educational question would begin there.
Not with which child is smarter.
Not with whether the parents can avoid an uncomfortable separation.
And not with whether the family would prefer both children following the same schedule.
He would ask what each child needs to develop properly.
If Sheldon is prepared for advanced mathematics, teach him advanced mathematics.
If Missy has a talent for understanding people, encourage that talent while giving her the academic education she needs.
If one twin requires extra instruction, provide it.
If the other is ready to advance, allow it.
Giving each child what he needs is fair. Making one child surrender an opportunity simply to preserve the appearance of equality isn't.
And the same principle applies outside school.
Children deserve relationships with their parents that reflect their own interests and emotional needs.
Missy shouldn't have to become a scientist to earn Mary's attention.
Sheldon shouldn't have to become a baseball player to earn George's affection.
And neither should be judged as a lesser child because of what the other can do.
To me, that's an important part of raising children with wisdom rather than simply exercising authority.
I Wouldn't Want Missy to Spend Her Life Being Known as Sheldon's Twin
There's another concern I have about children growing up beside an unusually accomplished sibling.
I wouldn't want the other child to spend her life being introduced only in relation to that sibling.
Here's Sheldon, the brilliant young scientist.
And here's Missy, his twin.
Well, wait a minute.
Who is Missy?
What does she enjoy?
What does she want to become?
What makes her laugh?
What frightens her?
What does she do well?
And what kind of support does she need?
She deserves answers to those questions that have nothing to do with Sheldon.
That's something parents should recognize early.
When one child receives a great deal of attention for an unusual talent, another child may begin believing that ordinary accomplishments aren't worth celebrating.
Getting a good grade.
Making a friend.
Improving at a sport.
Helping someone who's upset.
Those achievements may seem small compared with a nine-year-old studying physics.
But they're still worth recognizing.
And I wouldn't want Missy to believe that her brother's academic abilities made her less impressive as a person.
Likewise, I wouldn't want Sheldon to feel ashamed of being academically advanced because his sister wasn't following the same path.
He shouldn't have to pretend to be less capable in order to protect her feelings.
That's not a reasonable expectation.
Their parents should teach them to respect each other's strengths.
Sheldon can admire Missy's ability to understand people.
Missy can appreciate Sheldon's scientific talents.
And both can recognize that having a gift doesn't make someone superior to everyone who lacks it.
They don't have to compete over which one is the better twin.
There shouldn't be a better twin.
There should be two children whose parents want both of them to thrive.
What I Would Have Told Mary and George
If I were sitting at the Cooper kitchen table, I'd have two very different messages for the parents.
First, I would support their decision to allow Sheldon to move ahead academically.
He wasn't going to benefit from sitting through material he'd already mastered simply because his sister was attending fourth grade.
And Missy didn't need to be rushed into high school to keep him company.
But then I'd want to discuss how the family treated Missy at home.
Because the twin study revealed something more troubling than a difference in academic ability.
A nine-year-old girl believed she didn't have anyone on her side.
I'd want Mary and George to take that seriously.
I'd ask them to make time for Missy without waiting for her to become upset.
Let her choose an outing.
Ask about her friends.
Attend her activities.
Listen when she has something to say.
And when Sheldon needs another unusual arrangement, consider how that arrangement will affect the rest of the family.
That doesn't mean denying Sheldon appropriate support.
It means remembering that there are other children in the house.
I'd also encourage the parents to stop making comparisons that leave Missy feeling intellectually inferior.
Sheldon can be brilliant without Missy being deficient.
Missy can be socially perceptive without Sheldon being a failure as a person.
Each has areas where he or she excels and areas where help may be needed.
And I'd want them to understand that academic achievement isn't the only way a child contributes something valuable to a family.
Missy's humor, empathy, and ability to recognize what other people are feeling deserve appreciation.
Not as consolation prizes because she isn't a scientific prodigy.
As genuine strengths.
Because they are.
My Verdict: Let Children Grow at Their Own Pace, and Never Forget the One Who Seems Fine
I think Young Sheldon offers a much better model for handling twins' different educational abilities than the decision Ray and Debra made on Everybody Loves Raymond.
The Cooper twins didn't have to remain in the same grade to prove they loved one another.
Sheldon skipped ahead.
Missy stayed with children her own age.
And neither child's education was deliberately delayed or accelerated simply to keep the pair together.
That's how I believe parents should approach the issue.
Evaluate each child individually.
Provide appropriate opportunities.
And don't make one child's progress dependent on a sibling's readiness.
But the Coopers' story also offers a warning.
Parents can respect their children's different educational abilities while still failing to give each child enough personal attention.
Mary and George recognized Sheldon's academic needs.
They weren't always as attentive to Missy's emotional needs.
And the show gave us several examples of how deeply she felt that imbalance.
I don't believe Sheldon should have received less academic support so Missy could feel more important.
I believe Missy should have received more attention without anyone taking opportunities away from Sheldon.
Those are different solutions.
And the second is the fair one.
If I were raising twins, I wouldn't expect them to learn everything at the same speed, enjoy the same activities, or grow into the same sort of adults.
I'd want each child to discover what he or she was good at.
I'd want to help with the things that were difficult.
And I'd want both to feel loved without having to compare themselves with each other.
If one were ready to advance in school and the other needed more time, I'd make the appropriate decision for each.
Then I'd help them adjust.
I wouldn't automatically treat separation as a tragedy.
Nor would I assume that keeping them together was worth sacrificing an educational opportunity.
And I certainly wouldn't let the child who seemed more independent disappear into the background because another child required more attention.
Proverbs offers a simple standard: educate each child according to that child's own way.
The Cooper twins demonstrated why that approach makes sense.
Sheldon had his path.
Missy had hers.
They could love one another without walking along the same road every day.
The goal of raising twins shouldn't be to make sure they always move forward together. It should be to make sure neither child is held back, overlooked, or made to feel less valuable because of the other's abilities.
And if their paths lead in different directions, that's fine.
They're still twins.
They're still family.
And they still deserve to be seen as two complete human beings.
