One of the things I've always found interesting about Mom is that Christy Plunkett spends an extraordinary amount of time complaining about her mother, Bonnie.
And frankly, she has plenty to complain about.
Bonnie was an alcoholic and drug addict who made a complete mess of Christy's childhood. She was unreliable, irresponsible, and frequently more concerned with whatever crisis she'd created than with being a dependable parent.
Christy grew up with resentment that followed her well into adulthood.
She had every reason to be angry.
Yet somehow, over the course of the series, Christy manages to forgive Bonnie enough to live with her, laugh with her, argue with her, and maintain a relationship with her.
They're still driving each other crazy, of course.
This is Bonnie and Christy we're talking about.
But they're together.
Then we have Violet, Christy's daughter.
Violet also grew up with an alcoholic mother who neglected her responsibilities.
She remembers the drinking, the instability, and the fear.
And when Christy finally gets sober and tries to repair their relationship, Violet eventually decides she wants nothing to do with her.
Now, I can imagine some viewers asking why Violet can't simply forgive her mother the way Christy forgave Bonnie.
After all, Christy has changed.
She's sober.
She's attending college and eventually law school.
She's trying to become a responsible adult.
Doesn't she deserve another chance?
I think she deserves credit for what she's accomplished.
But I don't think that automatically means Violet owes her a relationship.
And that's where this sitcom becomes considerably more interesting than its jokes about drinking, dating, and Bonnie's latest questionable decision.
Why does one adult daughter choose to rebuild a relationship with the mother who hurt her, while another decides she's better off keeping her distance?
Is one more forgiving?
Is the other holding a grudge?
Or are we making a mistake by assuming that two people who experienced similar childhoods should respond to those experiences in exactly the same way?
I think Mom gives us a surprisingly thoughtful answer.
And the Jewish teachings about honoring parents, repentance, and forgiveness make the question even more complicated.
Christy Wanted Violet's Forgiveness Before She'd Really Forgiven Bonnie
The contradiction is present from the very first episode.
When Mom premiered on CBS on September 23, 2013, Christy, played by Anna Faris, was a newly sober single mother trying to get her life together.
She was working as a waitress and raising her teenage daughter Violet and younger son Roscoe.
Her own mother, Bonnie, played by Allison Janney, had reappeared in her life.
And Christy wasn't exactly delighted.
Bonnie represented much of what had gone wrong during Christy's childhood.
Christy blamed her for the instability she'd experienced and for the terrible example she'd been given.
And yet Christy was now facing a similar problem with her own daughter.
Violet, played by Sadie Calvano, was angry about Christy's drinking and neglect.
She had experienced things a child shouldn't have to experience.
And she wasn't particularly interested in hearing that her mother had changed.
At one point in the pilot, Violet challenges Christy with an obvious question.
Why should Violet forgive her when Christy hasn't forgiven Bonnie?
Christy insists that the situations are different.
Violet wants to know how.
And Christy doesn't have a convincing answer.
So she calls Bonnie and announces that she's forgiving her.
There.
Problem solved.
Except it isn't.
Violet tells her that forgiveness isn't that easy.
And I think Violet is absolutely right.
Christy has treated forgiveness almost like a transaction.
If I forgive my mother, then my daughter should forgive me.
As though apologizing to Bonnie gives Christy a receipt she can present to Violet.
But Violet's childhood didn't suddenly become less painful because Christy picked up the telephone.
And Christy's resentment toward Bonnie didn't disappear simply because she'd announced that it was over.
That's what makes the scene so revealing.
Christy wants her daughter to recognize that she's trying to change.
But she hasn't fully accepted how much time and effort repairing a damaged relationship can require.
She wants a fresh start.
Violet is still living with the memories of what happened before that fresh start.
And those are two very different experiences.
Bonnie and Christy Had Something Violet Didn't Want
Over the following seasons, Christy and Bonnie develop one of television's more unusual mother-daughter relationships.
They argue constantly.
They insult each other.
They remind each other of past mistakes.
And they have a remarkable talent for turning an ordinary conversation into a family argument.
Sometimes I wonder how either woman manages to finish a meal.
But they also share something important.
They're both recovering addicts.
They attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
They understand the temptation to relapse.
And they know what it's like to be ashamed of things they've done while drinking.
That shared experience gives them a language for discussing their behavior.
Bonnie knows what Christy is struggling with.
Christy understands aspects of Bonnie's addiction that may have been impossible for her to understand as a child.
And as they spend more time together, Christy begins seeing evidence that Bonnie is capable of being helpful.
Bonnie prepares meals.
She helps with Roscoe and Violet.
She becomes involved in the family's daily life.
She's still exasperating.
But she isn't simply the absent, unreliable mother Christy remembers.
And I think there's something meaningful about that.
Christy gets to know Bonnie as an adult.
She sees her mother trying, failing, recovering, and trying again.
They develop a relationship that isn't limited to the roles they occupied during Christy's childhood.
Bonnie isn't merely the mother who neglected her.
She's also a woman Christy encounters every day, sometimes at her best and sometimes at her worst.
Their relationship becomes a combination of family, friendship, mutual dependence, and shared recovery.
That's an unusual foundation, but it gives them opportunities to repair things.
And those opportunities don't always involve dramatic apologies.
Sometimes they involve Bonnie showing up when Christy needs help.
Sometimes they involve Christy accepting that her mother has done something kind.
And sometimes they involve an ordinary evening in which they manage to enjoy one another's company without resurrecting every old argument.
Of course, their reconciliation isn't complete or perfect.
Christy continues resenting Bonnie for things that happened years earlier.
Bonnie continues making mistakes in the present.
And there are times when the two women behave more like squabbling sisters than mother and daughter.
But the relationship survives.
Now compare that with Violet.
Violet doesn't share Christy and Bonnie's experience of addiction recovery.
She grew up witnessing the consequences of Christy's drinking.
She wasn't an adult friend attending meetings alongside her mother.
She was a child who needed someone to take care of her.
And that's a very different position.
Christy could choose to become Bonnie's companion in recovery. Violet had never chosen to become Christy's caretaker during her childhood.
I think that distinction explains a great deal.
Violet Remembers a Childhood Christy Can't Give Back
The most revealing episode comes much later.
"Jell-O Shots and the Truth About Santa," which aired November 15, 2018, during the sixth season, brings Violet back into the story after a lengthy estrangement.
Christy discovers that Violet has been hosting a podcast about growing up with an alcoholic mother.
And the stories aren't flattering.
Christy is embarrassed.
She's hurt.
And she doesn't appreciate having her worst years discussed publicly.
I can understand that reaction.
Most people wouldn't enjoy discovering that their daughter had been telling strangers about their parenting failures.
Especially after working hard to change.
But here's the problem.
Violet isn't inventing those experiences.
She's describing the childhood she remembers.
And when Christy eventually visits her, Violet explains why she doesn't want to pretend everything is fine.
She couldn't comfortably bring friends home because she never knew what condition she'd find her mother in.
She remembers cleaning the house, preparing food, and dealing with household bills.
She remembers responsibilities that belonged to an adult.
And she remembers seeing Christy passed out on the couch, frightened that her mother might not wake up.
That's heartbreaking.
Because Violet wasn't simply embarrassed by a mother who occasionally drank too much at a family party.
She was frightened.
She was responsible for things she shouldn't have had to manage.
And she didn't have the security that children are supposed to receive from the people raising them.
Imagine being a child who comes home from school and has to determine whether Mom is conscious before deciding what needs to be done around the house.
Imagine worrying about bills when you should be worrying about homework.
Or wondering whether you can invite a friend over without exposing something humiliating or frightening.
That's the childhood Violet describes.
And when Christy says she's changed, Violet doesn't deny it.
She recognizes that her mother is no longer the woman she was during those years.
But she also understands that Christy's recovery hasn't changed what happened.
The mother who has recovered is living in the present. The daughter who was neglected is still entitled to remember the past.
And I wouldn't tell Violet to disregard those memories simply because her mother is now doing better.
Christy's sobriety is a wonderful accomplishment.
But Violet's childhood was still Violet's childhood.
Nobody can go back and give her those years again.
Christy's Recovery Is Real. So Is Violet's Pain.
I think the episode deserves credit for allowing both women to make reasonable arguments.
Christy isn't pretending she was a wonderful mother.
She apologizes.
She acknowledges that Violet deserved better.
And she expresses a genuine desire to develop a relationship with her daughter now.
I believe she's sincere.
I also believe Christy has worked tremendously hard to change her life.
Recovery from addiction isn't simply a matter of deciding one morning that you've had enough and never experiencing another problem.
I’ve explored another side of recovery in my article about Bonnie and Ray on Mom, where Bonnie has to confront the difference between loving someone and enabling an addiction. The same distinction applies here: we can acknowledge someone’s progress without denying the damage caused before recovery.
Christy has had to confront her behavior, rebuild her finances, continue her education, and develop healthier relationships.
Those accomplishments are worth recognizing.
But I think parents sometimes expect their children to celebrate their improvement in ways the children aren't emotionally prepared to offer.
A parent might say, "I've been sober for five years."
And the child might think, "I'm glad. But what about the ten years before that?"
A parent might say, "I'm not the same person anymore."
And the child might respond, "That's wonderful. But I still remember what you did."
Neither statement cancels out the other.
A person can genuinely change.
And someone who was hurt by that person's earlier behavior can still be unable or unwilling to resume the relationship.
I don't consider that a contradiction.
Christy wants Violet to see who she has become.
Violet wants Christy to understand what being raised by her was like.
And although they finally have a relatively honest conversation, they don't arrive at the same conclusion about their future.
Christy wants to rebuild.
Violet says she's happier and healthier without their relationship.
She doesn't want to continue it.
Christy is devastated.
And I feel for her.
Because she really is trying.
But I also feel for Violet.
She's finally established some peace in her life, and she's afraid that reconnecting with her mother will disrupt it.
I don't think we should automatically tell her that fear is unreasonable.
Why Doesn't Violet Want What Christy Has With Bonnie?
This is the question at the center of the story.
Christy has found a way to have Bonnie in her life despite all the resentment she carries.
Why can't Violet do the same?
I think the first answer is that Christy and Violet aren't the same person.
They have different memories, different needs, and different ideas about what a healthy relationship would look like.
Christy has discovered that spending time with Bonnie gives her something valuable.
Bonnie can be funny.
She can be supportive.
And despite their arguments, the two women have developed a genuine connection.
Violet hasn't discovered that same benefit in her relationship with Christy.
For her, distance has been associated with feeling better.
And I wouldn't insist that she give up that stability merely because her mother misses her.
The second answer is that the timing is different.
Christy has had years of regular interaction with Bonnie.
She's been able to watch her mother's behavior change.
Violet has been estranged from Christy.
She's not participating in the daily experiences that have helped Christy develop a relationship with Bonnie.
From Christy's perspective, that's frustrating.
How can Violet appreciate the new Christy if she refuses to spend time with her?
But from Violet's perspective, spending time with Christy isn't necessarily something she's willing to do in order to evaluate whether a relationship might work.
And that's her choice.
The third answer is that reconciliation isn't a family tradition that automatically passes from one generation to the next.
Christy doesn't earn Violet's forgiveness by forgiving Bonnie.
And Bonnie doesn't earn Christy's forgiveness merely by regretting her own mistakes.
Each relationship has its own history.
Each person has to decide what they're prepared to accept.
And each parent has to confront the possibility that the child may respond differently than expected.
I don't think that makes Violet cruel.
I think it makes her a separate person with her own judgment.
Bonnie's Own Mother Proves That Forgiveness Doesn't Guarantee Reconciliation
There's another episode that complicates the comparison even more.
In the third-season premiere, "Terrorists and Gingerbread," which aired November 5, 2015, Bonnie discovers that her estranged mother, Shirley, wants to see her.
Shirley, played by Ellen Burstyn, had given Bonnie up when she was four years old.
Bonnie spent her childhood in foster care.
And she never forgot being abandoned.
When Shirley eventually reappears, Bonnie is furious.
She's especially hurt when she learns that her mother had become involved with a man who didn't want children.
Bonnie believes Shirley chose that relationship over her own daughter.
And I can understand why that knowledge would be devastating.
Now, consider the situation.
Bonnie has already worked on rebuilding her relationship with Christy.
She knows how painful estrangement can be.
And she knows that people can regret their past choices.
You might expect her to welcome Shirley immediately.
But she doesn't.
She resists the reunion.
She expresses tremendous anger.
And although she eventually tells Shirley that she forgives her, she doesn't agree to establish the relationship Shirley wants.
She walks away.
Think about that.
Bonnie is willing to forgive her mother without allowing her mother back into her life. Christy forgives Bonnie and builds a relationship. Violet isn't ready to forgive Christy or resume contact.
Three generations.
Three different responses.
And I think the writers were wise not to pretend they all had to make identical decisions.
Bonnie's encounter with Shirley also raises an uncomfortable question for Christy.
If Bonnie can forgive Shirley without becoming close to her, why should Christy assume that Violet must resume a relationship simply because she's been offered an apology?
The situations aren't identical.
Shirley's abandonment differs from Christy's addiction and neglect.
And Bonnie's history differs from Violet's.
But all three stories involve adult children deciding what to do with parents who failed them.
What I appreciate is that Mom doesn't always give us a sentimental reunion with everyone hugging and promising to forget the past.
Sometimes the relationship is repaired.
Sometimes forgiveness comes without closeness.
And sometimes the person who was hurt chooses distance.
Those are all possibilities in real families.
What Does Judaism Actually Say About Honoring a Parent Who Hurt You?
This is where I think the discussion becomes especially important.
The Torah tells us to honor our father and mother.
It's one of the Ten Commandments.
And Jewish tradition takes that obligation seriously.
But what happens when a parent has neglected, abandoned, or mistreated a child?
Does the child have to maintain a relationship?
Does honoring a parent mean forgiving everything?
And does refusing contact automatically make someone a bad son or daughter?
I don't think those questions should be answered casually.
Jewish authorities have debated difficult cases involving parents who behave badly, and there are different interpretations of what honoring such a parent requires.
Maimonides takes a demanding position on parental honor, even when a parent has serious faults.
Other authorities distinguish between an imperfect parent and one whose conduct has been deliberately harmful.
And contemporary Jewish discussions recognize that maintaining contact with an abusive parent can sometimes be damaging.
What I find important is that Jewish law doesn't give parents permission to mistreat their children.
In Mishneh Torah, Rebels 6:8, Maimonides warns parents against imposing such heavy demands for respect that they create problems for their children.
That's an important responsibility.
The commandment to honor parents isn't supposed to become a weapon parents use whenever a child objects to their behavior.
I wouldn't want a mother who had neglected her child for years to invoke the Ten Commandments as though that settled every question about their relationship.
And I wouldn't want Violet told that her memories were irrelevant simply because Christy gave birth to her.
Parents have moral responsibilities, too.
They are responsible for protecting their children, providing appropriate care, and treating them with dignity.
In serious cases of parental mistreatment, Jewish discussions of honoring parents also recognize the need to protect the adult child's well-being, sometimes through distance.
That doesn't erase the commandment or settle every religious question about its application.
But it makes clear that the subject is more complicated than telling a child to forgive because family comes first.
And I think that's exactly the complexity Mom is exploring.
Christy has chosen to maintain contact with Bonnie.
Violet has chosen not to maintain contact with Christy.
I wouldn't use the Torah to condemn either woman's decision without considering what she experienced and what the relationship is like now.
Teshuvah Doesn't Let the Parent Decide When the Child Is Finished Hurting
The Jewish concept of teshuvah, often translated as repentance or return, gives us another way to examine these relationships.
Christy has made a genuine effort to change.
She has become sober.
She has acknowledged wrongdoing.
And she has tried to live differently.
Those are important parts of repentance.
But Jewish teachings about wrongdoing between people emphasize that changing one's behavior doesn't automatically repair the harm done to someone else.
Maimonides discusses this in Mishneh Torah, Repentance 2:9.
When one person harms another, repentance requires addressing the wrong and seeking the injured person's forgiveness.
The person who caused the harm has responsibilities beyond privately deciding to become better.
Now, traditional Jewish teachings also strongly encourage forgiveness when someone has sincerely repented. Maimonides even warns against unnecessarily withholding it after genuine efforts at reconciliation.
I wouldn't pretend that the tradition simply tells every injured person to refuse forgiveness for as long as desired.
It doesn't.
But forgiveness and renewed intimacy are different questions.
A person may decide to let go of a desire for revenge without restoring the previous relationship.
And in cases involving substantial or repeated harm, the safety and well-being of the injured person need serious consideration.
For me, that's the distinction that helps explain Violet.
Even if she eventually forgives Christy, it doesn't necessarily follow that she must invite Christy back into every aspect of her life.
She might wish her mother well.
She might be grateful that Christy is sober.
She might even feel some affection for her.
And still decide that regular contact isn't healthy for her.
The important point is that Christy cannot complete the process of repairing their relationship all by herself.
She can apologize.
She can remain sober.
She can respect Violet's wishes.
And she can demonstrate, over time, that she's no longer behaving as she once did.
But she cannot demand that Violet experience her recovery as a new childhood.
That childhood is gone.
And the regret belongs to Christy.
Violet's Podcast Raises Another Uncomfortable Question
I also think it's worth examining how Violet chooses to tell her story.
She creates a podcast about growing up with an alcoholic mother.
Christy discovers it through another person, and she's understandably embarrassed.
Violet even uses Christy's awkward voicemail in an episode.
Now, I believe Violet has every right to talk about her childhood.
She experienced the instability.
She was frightened.
And she shouldn't have to pretend her upbringing was wonderful simply because the truth makes Christy uncomfortable.
But I also believe adults should think carefully about how they share painful family stories publicly.
There's a difference between telling the truth about your experience and deliberately humiliating someone for entertainment.
The fact that a story is yours doesn't mean every method of presenting it is automatically wise.
And using another person's private voicemail in a public podcast raises a reasonable question about privacy.
I wouldn't excuse that simply because Violet had been hurt.
But I also wouldn't treat a questionable podcast decision as proof that her childhood grievances are invalid.
She can be right about what she experienced and still make choices about discussing it that deserve criticism.
Christy, to her credit, eventually recognizes that the podcast may help Violet and other people with similar experiences.
She decides not to interfere with it.
And I think that demonstrates growth.
The earlier Christy might have reacted entirely through embarrassment and anger.
The recovering Christy begins recognizing that her daughter has a perspective she can't control.
That's a significant step.
But once again, it doesn't create an obligation for Violet to resume the relationship.
Sometimes a parent can do the right thing today and still have to accept that yesterday's damage remains.
Christy Finally Understands Something About Bonnie
One of the most moving developments in "Jell-O Shots and the Truth About Santa" comes after Violet rejects Christy's request to rebuild their relationship.
Christy is devastated.
Bonnie comforts her.
And Bonnie points out how different the situation would have been years earlier.
Christy has been able to visit Violet, listen to her complaints, acknowledge the harm, and leave without becoming drunk or turning the encounter into another disaster.
That is real progress.
The relationship hasn't been repaired, but Christy has handled the rejection differently than she would have in the past.
And then Christy realizes something about Bonnie.
She's spent years focusing on who Bonnie used to be rather than fully recognizing who she's become.
So Christy apologizes.
She acknowledges that her mother has changed.
And she promises to judge Bonnie more fairly in the present.
I like that moment because Christy isn't suddenly forgetting her childhood.
She isn't declaring that Bonnie was a wonderful mother all along.
She's recognizing that her mother's present behavior deserves attention, too.
And she chooses to continue their relationship with that recognition in mind.
I think that's an admirable decision.
But here's the distinction I wouldn't want viewers to miss.
Christy arrives at that decision through her own experiences with Bonnie.
She hasn't been commanded to reach it by someone else.
And the fact that the decision benefits her doesn't establish that Violet would benefit from making the same choice.
Christy has spent years rebuilding a relationship that she now values.
Violet has spent time away from a relationship she associates with pain.
Both women are evaluating their lives.
They're simply reaching different conclusions.
And I think it's possible to respect that difference without declaring one daughter more loving or more virtuous than the other.
A Parent Can Deserve Credit for Changing Without Being Owed a Relationship
I want to emphasize something because I don't think the answer is to dismiss Christy's recovery.
She has done something difficult and worthwhile.
She is working to become a responsible adult.
She's pursuing an education.
She's contributing to her recovery community.
And she's making a genuine effort to recognize the mistakes of her past.
I admire that.
I wouldn't want Violet to deny those accomplishments.
And in the episode, she doesn't.
But I also wouldn't want Christy to confuse being proud of her recovery with being entitled to a particular response from her daughter.
Sometimes a parent apologizes and the child is ready to reconcile.
Sometimes the child needs more time.
Sometimes the relationship becomes limited but cordial.
And sometimes the child decides that distance is the healthiest arrangement.
I wouldn't assume that every such decision is permanent.
People change their minds.
Relationships evolve.
And what feels impossible at twenty-five may feel different at forty.
But I also wouldn't tell an estranged adult child that reconciliation is inevitable if everyone simply waits long enough.
Some relationships never recover.
That's painful.
It may be disappointing.
But it doesn't necessarily mean someone failed to try hard enough.
The same principle applies in the opposite direction.
An adult child isn't required to remain in a harmful relationship simply to prove that he or she is capable of forgiveness.
And a parent isn't entitled to continued access simply because time has passed.
If a relationship is going to improve, the people involved need some reasonable basis for believing that contact will be different from what it was before.
That may involve changed behavior, honest conversations, boundaries, or a willingness to accept limits.
What it shouldn't involve is pressuring someone to participate in a relationship that makes life worse.
I don't think that's what family love is supposed to accomplish.
My Verdict: Christy Wasn't Wrong to Forgive Bonnie. Violet Wasn't Wrong to Choose Distance.
I appreciate the fact that Mom allows Christy and Bonnie to develop a relationship.
They're funny together.
They're infuriating together.
And despite their history, they genuinely care about one another.
Bonnie eventually becomes someone Christy can rely on in ways she couldn't during childhood.
That's a worthwhile story about recovery and the possibility of change.
But I appreciate the writers' decision not to give Violet an identical ending.
Because it would have been easy to write a sentimental reunion in which Violet announces that she's finally forgiven Christy, the two women embrace, and everybody goes home feeling wonderful.
Instead, Violet says no.
She recognizes that Christy has changed.
She listens to her apology.
And she decides that the relationship isn't something she wants to resume.
Christy has to accept that answer.
I think that's an important lesson.
Children aren't extensions of their parents.
They're individuals who grow up with their own memories, values, and judgments.
And while parents can influence those judgments, they can't always control the conclusions their children reach.
Christy forgave Bonnie because she eventually found something worthwhile in their relationship.
Violet didn't find the same thing with Christy.
And Bonnie herself showed, through her encounter with Shirley, that forgiving a parent doesn't necessarily mean welcoming that parent back into your life.
I don't think any of these women has to serve as the universal example of how every adult child should behave.
Their circumstances differ.
Their needs differ.
And their relationships have developed in different ways.
The Jewish teachings on repentance and honoring parents encourage serious moral responsibility, but they also raise difficult questions when parental behavior has caused harm.
I wouldn't use those teachings to erase the child's experience.
And I wouldn't use the child's experience to deny that a parent may be capable of genuine change.
Both deserve consideration.
What I find most encouraging about Christy's story is that her recovery has made her capable of accepting a painful truth.
Violet doesn't want a relationship.
Christy is heartbroken.
But she doesn't retaliate.
She doesn't abandon her sobriety.
And she doesn't demand that everyone agree with her.
Instead, she recognizes that she needs to continue becoming a better person regardless of whether Violet decides to be part of her life.
That's maturity.
And perhaps it's a more meaningful demonstration of change than a reunion would have been.
Because being a better mother isn't simply about getting your child to forgive you.
Sometimes it's about respecting the adult your child has become, even when that adult makes a decision you desperately wish were different.
Christy's forgiveness of Bonnie was a choice. Violet's decision to keep her distance was also a choice. Neither daughter owed the other generation the same ending.
And if there's one thing I would want parents to understand from Mom, it's this:
You can change your life.
You can become sober.
You can apologize sincerely.
You can spend years becoming the parent you wish you'd been when your children were small.
But you can't demand that your adult child experience your improvement as though it erases everything that came before.
You can offer a different relationship.
You can demonstrate different behavior.
And you can leave the door open.
Whether your child chooses to walk through that door is another question.
Christy chose to walk through it with Bonnie.
Violet chose not to walk through it with Christy.
And I don't think the writers owed us a tidy resolution.
Sometimes the most respectful thing a parent can do is accept that her child has a life of her own.
Even when that life no longer includes Mom.
