There's an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond that still bothers me, and for once it has nothing to do with Marie sticking her nose into Debra's business.
Well, not entirely. Marie does manage to contribute to the problem, as usual.
The episode is called "Left Back," and it aired November 29, 1999. Ray and Debra Barone learn that one of their four-year-old twins, Michael, may not be ready to advance from preschool to kindergarten.
His brother Geoffrey, meanwhile, is doing fine.
So what do the parents decide?
If Michael has to repeat preschool, Geoffrey will repeat it too.
Excuse me?
Why?
Because they're twins. They're close. And apparently allowing them to enter different grades would be so upsetting that it's better to hold both children back.
I have a serious problem with that decision.
Not with giving Michael another year of preschool if he genuinely needs it. Children develop at different rates, and some benefit from extra time before kindergarten.
My objection is to making Geoffrey repeat a year he doesn't need simply because his brother isn't ready.
Being twins doesn't mean two children are one person. And loving them equally doesn't mean forcing them to develop on the same schedule.
Michael deserves whatever support will help him succeed. Geoffrey deserves the opportunity to move forward when he's ready.
Neither child's education should be arranged primarily around keeping the other one comfortable.
What bothers me even more is that the episode treats keeping the boys together as a touching parental decision. Ray and Debra eventually make peace with the arrangement, the twins perform an adorable comedy routine, and everybody goes home feeling better.
Well, I'm not feeling better.
Because while the adults are busy congratulating themselves on being loving parents, nobody seems terribly concerned about what Geoffrey might be giving up.
And I'd like to know why.
Michael Was Struggling With Scissors. Geoffrey Wasn't.
The episode begins with Ray and Debra attending a conference with the twins' preschool teacher, Sarah.
She's enthusiastic about both boys.
They're friendly, helpful, well-liked by their classmates, and excited about performing together at the school's winter concert.
Wonderful.
Then she shows the parents their assessment results.
Both boys know their letters and numbers. They even make the same mistake identifying a six and a nine.
But when Sarah reaches the fine-motor activities, the differences become clearer.
Geoffrey can cut along a line with scissors.
Michael has trouble holding the scissors correctly and doesn't seem interested in trying.
Geoffrey's drawings are more developed. Michael struggles with drawing shapes and producing the kind of self-portrait the class has been asked to make.
Sarah explains that Michael appears a little less mature in these skills than the other children.
She isn't calling him stupid. She isn't predicting that he'll become a poor student. In fact, she believes he may still be able to advance to kindergarten.
But the kindergarten teacher, Rita, will need to evaluate him and make the final recommendation.
I think that's a reasonable approach.
The teacher is identifying specific skills Michael needs to develop. She's not treating him as a failure.
And frankly, I'd want to know whether he needs more practice, different instruction, or simply more time.
Children don't all master fine-motor skills at precisely the same age. Some develop physical coordination earlier, while others show strengths in language, memory, imagination, or social interaction.
A difficulty using scissors at four doesn't tell us everything about a child's intelligence or future academic performance.
But here's what the teacher also makes clear.
Geoffrey is progressing on schedule.
He's not the child being evaluated for an additional year of preschool.
Michael is.
So why does Geoffrey's educational future suddenly become part of the decision?
Because Debra is worried about separating them.
And that's where I think the adults lose sight of what they're supposed to be deciding.
Debra Wanted to Keep the Twins Together. I Think She Was Wrong.
When Sarah raises the possibility of Michael remaining in preschool, Debra's first major concern is that the boys are extremely close.
She doesn't want them separated.
Sarah suggests that both children could remain in preschool because they're among the younger students, and an extra term wouldn't necessarily be a serious setback.
Now, I understand what the teacher is saying.
Preschool isn't college. An extra year at that age isn't automatically damaging, and age alone doesn't determine whether a child is ready for kindergarten.
But that still leaves an unanswered question.
Why should Geoffrey stay?
If Geoffrey would benefit from another year, fine. Evaluate him and explain why.
If he's academically, socially, and emotionally ready to advance, why should his progress depend on whether Michael is ready too?
Debra's concern is understandable. The boys have spent their entire lives together, and separating them may feel frightening.
But parenting can't be about avoiding every uncomfortable change.
Sometimes one child is ready for an experience before another.
Sometimes one needs help while another needs greater challenges.
And sometimes children who love one another very much have to spend part of the day doing different things.
You don't protect one child by unnecessarily restricting the other.
That's the principle I think Debra overlooked.
I'm not saying Michael should be pushed into kindergarten before he's ready.
I'm saying Geoffrey shouldn't be kept out of kindergarten simply because Michael may need another year.
Both boys deserve an individual assessment.
Their parents should make two educational decisions, not one decision for a matched set.
They're children, not a pair of bookends.
Being Born Together Doesn't Mean Being Ready Together
I've never understood the assumption that twins should reach every milestone at the same time.
They share a birthday.
They may share a bedroom.
They may look alike.
And they may have an unusually close relationship.
But they still have separate personalities, abilities, interests, and developmental needs.
Think about Sheldon and Missy Cooper on Young Sheldon. They were twins, too. But while nine-year-old Sheldon had already skipped four grades and entered high school, Missy was still attending elementary school.One twin might begin reading earlier.
The other might develop better coordination.
One might be comfortable speaking in front of people while the other is shy.
One might enjoy schoolwork while the other prefers physical activities.
None of those differences makes either child inferior.
And none means the parents have failed.
That's the part I wish Ray and Debra had emphasized.
Michael isn't less valuable because he struggles with scissors.
Geoffrey isn't somehow betraying Michael by developing those skills sooner.
They're two different little boys.
I would hate to see Geoffrey grow up believing that whenever he was ready for something his brother wasn't, he'd be expected to slow down.
Suppose Geoffrey began reading earlier. Would his parents discourage him from reading chapter books because Michael was still working on picture books?
Suppose Geoffrey qualified for an advanced mathematics class. Would he have to turn down the opportunity because Michael didn't qualify?
Or suppose Michael eventually developed a talent Geoffrey didn't share. Would Michael be expected to hold himself back then?
Of course not.
At least I hope not.
Fairness doesn't mean giving siblings identical opportunities regardless of their needs. It means giving each child a fair opportunity to develop his own abilities.
And that includes twins.
If their progress happens to be similar, wonderful.
If it isn't, parents need to adjust.
The children shouldn't have to pretend they're developing identically simply because adults prefer the convenience of keeping them together.
Ray Was More Concerned About Looking Stupid Than Understanding Michael
Now, Ray doesn't initially respond much better than Debra.
His first concern is whether Michael's difficulties mean his son is stupid.
Honestly, Ray!
The child is four years old and having trouble cutting paper.
Could we perhaps investigate the problem before deciding what it says about his intelligence?
Then Ray tries teaching Michael to use scissors.
And he becomes so impatient that Debra eventually intervenes.
Michael is reluctant.
Ray keeps urging him to cut straight.
The instructions become more frantic.
And what should have been a little father-son practice turns into an exercise in frustration.
I can understand wanting to help.
But I doubt a child who already feels uncomfortable with an activity will become more confident because his father is nearly having a nervous breakdown over a crooked line.
Debra is right to stop him.
The child needs instruction, encouragement, and practice—not a father who behaves as though his entire future depends on producing a perfect strip of paper before dinner.
But Ray's anxiety has another source.
He's worried about what Michael's difficulty says about him.
And when he learns something about his own childhood, that concern becomes much worse.
Marie Had Held Ray Back, Too—and Her Reason Was Worse
When the family discusses Michael's situation, Marie reveals that Ray himself repeated preschool.
Ray is shocked.
Nobody ever told him.
And when he asks why, Marie remembers how much she enjoyed walking him to school when he was little.
The preschool was nearby.
The route had pretty yellow flowers.
And when it came time for Ray to attend kindergarten, he would have needed to take a bus to a school farther away.
Marie didn't want to give up their walks.
So she kept him in preschool another year.
She describes the decision as an act of love.
Well, isn't that sweet?
Except I'm sitting here wondering why Ray's school placement was being determined by how much his mother enjoyed looking at flowers.
If Ray genuinely needed another year, that would be one thing. Frank also recalls Ray having trouble cutting paper, although the episode doesn't establish exactly how his readiness was evaluated.
But Marie's own explanation centers on what she wanted.
She liked having her little boy nearby.
She liked their routine.
And she wasn't ready for him to move on.
That isn't a good enough reason to delay a child's education.
I'm not questioning whether Marie loved Ray. Of course she did.
But parents can love their children and still make decisions that serve their own emotional needs more than the child's.
Wanting to keep your child little for another year isn't the same as deciding that another year of preschool is best for him.
And I think Marie should have understood the difference.
What's especially frustrating is that Debra is about to make a similar mistake.
Marie wanted Ray close to her.
Debra wants Michael and Geoffrey close to each other.
Different circumstances, but the same underlying problem: an adult is allowing an emotional preference to influence a decision that should be based on the child's individual needs.
I don't think either mother intended harm.
But loving intentions aren't enough.
Parents have to examine whose interests they're actually serving.
Frank Had a Point—Until He Tried to Bribe the Teacher
Of all the people in the Barone family, Frank is the one who objects most strongly to holding the twins back.
Now, that doesn't mean I agree with his reasoning.
Frank believes children need to be pushed hard, sometimes to the point of tears.
He takes an almost survival-of-the-fittest approach to parenting.
If you fall behind, too bad. Keep pushing.
I don't agree with that.
A child who needs extra time shouldn't be shamed or forced into a situation he's not prepared for.
And treating preschool like a brutal competition isn't going to help Michael develop his confidence.
But Frank does raise an issue the others seem eager to dismiss.
An additional year changes a child's educational timeline.
Perhaps the effect will be minor.
Perhaps it will turn out to be beneficial.
But parents shouldn't simply assume the decision is inconsequential without examining the child's circumstances.
Frank even wonders whether keeping Ray back affected the course of his life.
Of course, he turns the whole discussion into one of his ridiculous theories about how Ray might have bought a house earlier, married Debra earlier, and had children at a different time.
Then Frank makes everything worse by visiting the kindergarten teacher and trying to influence her decision with a not-so-subtle suggestion of money.
Wonderful.
Just what these children need.
A grandfather attempting to purchase their academic advancement.
Debra is right to condemn that behavior.
A school-readiness decision shouldn't be bought, bullied, or manipulated.
But I wish she'd applied the same seriousness to the idea of holding Geoffrey back.
Because the question isn't whether the family can persuade the school to advance Michael.
The question is what each boy actually needs.
Michael shouldn't be promoted merely to spare Ray embarrassment. Geoffrey shouldn't be retained merely to spare Debra discomfort.
Neither decision would be fair.
Ray Was Afraid Geoffrey Would Become Another Robert
There's another reason Ray becomes so upset about Michael's development.
His older brother Robert knows Ray was held back in preschool.
And Robert admits that, as a child, he felt sorry for him.
Ray is mortified.
He begins imagining that Robert will spend the rest of his life reminding him that he was behind academically.
And then he projects that fear onto his sons.
What if Geoffrey realizes he's doing better than Michael?
What if Geoffrey starts feeling superior?
What if Michael spends his childhood being compared to a brother who always seems one step ahead?
Those are reasonable concerns.
But Ray's proposed solution is wrong.
If Geoffrey ever begins belittling Michael, Ray and Debra should correct that behavior.
They should teach Geoffrey that being better at one activity doesn't make him a better person.
And they should teach Michael that struggling with a skill doesn't make him inferior to his brother.
That's parenting.
Holding Geoffrey back won't solve the problem of sibling comparisons.
The boys will still have different strengths.
One may become a stronger student in mathematics.
The other may be better at writing.
One may excel at sports.
The other may be more creative.
Are Ray and Debra going to prevent every achievement that might make one twin feel less accomplished than the other?
They can't.
And they shouldn't try.
The answer to one child's insecurity isn't to limit the accomplishments of another child. It's to teach both children that their worth doesn't depend on being equal in every ability.
Ray's fears are understandable given his relationship with Robert.
But Michael and Geoffrey aren't Ray and Robert.
They deserve the chance to develop their own relationship without inheriting their father's childhood resentments.
Geoffrey Was the Child Nobody Really Asked About
What disturbs me most is how little attention Geoffrey's needs receive once the adults become worried about Michael.
The preschool teacher has shown the parents that Geoffrey is progressing normally.
But as the family debates what to do, Geoffrey gradually becomes an accessory to Michael's educational plan.
If Michael stays, Geoffrey stays.
End of discussion.
Except it shouldn't be.
What does Geoffrey enjoy about school?
Is he eager to move to kindergarten?
Would another year of preschool challenge him or bore him?
How does he feel about spending part of the day away from Michael?
And what does the school recommend for him as an individual?
Those are questions I'd want answered.
The episode doesn't show the adults exploring them in any meaningful depth.
They discuss how close the twins are.
They discuss how worried Ray feels.
They discuss whether Michael will be embarrassed.
But Geoffrey's readiness is treated as secondary.
Now, I don't claim that repeating preschool would necessarily damage Geoffrey. Some children genuinely benefit from additional time, even when they're meeting expected milestones.
But that possibility doesn't justify the decision automatically.
If the adults want Geoffrey to remain in preschool, they should have a reason connected to Geoffrey's education and well-being.
Not simply Michael's.
A child shouldn't have to surrender an opportunity because the adults find it emotionally easier to treat siblings as a unit.
That's the unfairness I can't overlook.
Geoffrey is doing what the school has asked of him.
He's learning.
He's progressing.
And instead of recognizing his readiness, the family is prepared to delay him so the brothers won't be separated.
I wouldn't make that decision for him.
Keeping Twins Together Isn't the Same as Holding One Back
I want to make an important distinction, because there's actual research on whether twins should share classrooms.
Some parents prefer keeping twins together during the early school years. Others prefer separating them so each child can develop independent friendships and confidence.
Researchers haven't established that all twins must be separated or that all twins should remain together.
A 2018 study in Developmental Psychology found that academic differences associated with placing twins together or apart were generally small, supporting decisions based on the individual children rather than a rigid policy.
A separate study examining twins' social development found no harmful overall effect from sharing a classroom and some modest benefits in social functioning.
So I'm not arguing that twins should automatically be assigned to different classrooms.
If Michael and Geoffrey were both ready for kindergarten and wanted to attend the same class, I'd have no objection.
Likewise, if both genuinely needed another year of preschool, keeping them together could be sensible.
But that's not the situation presented in "Left Back."
One child has been recommended for retention.
The other hasn't.
And that's a different question entirely.
Whether twins should share a classroom is not the same question as whether one twin should repeat a grade for the other's benefit.
We shouldn't confuse the two.
The first involves choosing a learning environment.
The second involves delaying one child's educational progression.
And I think the second requires a much stronger justification than simply wanting the children to remain together.
The School Concert Didn't Prove the Parents Made the Right Decision
By the end of the episode, the school has recommended that Michael remain in preschool.
Debra and Ray decide that Geoffrey will stay with him.
Ray asks Michael whether he likes his school and teacher.
Michael does.
And when Ray suggests remaining in the same class, Michael is agreeable.
He also seems relieved that he won't have to spend the afternoon practicing with scissors.
I can understand that.
After watching Ray's earlier coaching session, I'd probably be relieved, too.
Then the boys perform their comedy routine at the winter concert.
They're adorable.
They tell jokes together.
They make people laugh.
And their parents are proud.
It's a sweet ending.
But I have a problem with what the ending seems to imply.
The twins' success onstage reassures Ray and Debra that everything will be fine.
And perhaps everything will be fine.
I certainly hope so.
But their performance doesn't answer the educational question.
Two children can make a wonderful comedy team while having different academic needs.
Michael's ability to perform jokes doesn't mean he has mastered the fine-motor skills required for kindergarten.
And Geoffrey's enjoyment of performing with his brother doesn't establish that another year of preschool is the best choice for him.
I would have loved to see the show end with the parents celebrating the boys' talents while also making separate educational decisions.
Let Michael receive the extra support he needs.
Let Geoffrey advance if he's ready.
And encourage their comedy routine outside school.
They can still perform together.
They can still share a bedroom.
They can still play together after school.
They're brothers.
Moving into different grades won't erase that relationship.
Their closeness shouldn't depend on occupying the same classroom for the rest of their childhood.
And if their bond is as strong as the adults claim, perhaps the family should have a little more faith in it.
Jewish Wisdom Says to Educate Each Child According to His Own Way
There's a Jewish teaching that gets right to the heart of this episode.
Proverbs 22:6 tells us to educate a child according to his own way.
I've always appreciated the emphasis on the individual child.
And the Malbim, a nineteenth-century biblical commentator, explains that children differ in their natural abilities, interests, and ways of learning. Education should take those differences into account.
I can't think of a better lesson for Ray and Debra.
Michael and Geoffrey are twins.
But they're not interchangeable.
They may have been born minutes apart, yet each has his own abilities and needs.
Michael may benefit from another year of preschool.
Geoffrey may benefit from the new experiences and greater challenges of kindergarten.
A parent who takes the teaching seriously should consider both possibilities.
Not insist on the same treatment because the boys happen to have the same birthday.
There's another beautiful Jewish teaching in Mishnah Sanhedrin 4:5.
It compares human creation to coins stamped with a seal. When a person makes coins with the same stamp, the coins look alike. But human beings are created so that no two are exactly the same.
I love that image in connection with twins.
Even two children who look nearly identical aren't identical people.
They have their own minds, experiences, interests, strengths, and futures.
And those differences deserve respect.
If Judaism teaches us to recognize the individuality of every human being, surely parents should begin by recognizing the individuality of their own children.
That includes the child who's struggling.
And it includes the child who's doing well.
It's not compassionate to overlook Michael's needs.
But it's not fair to overlook Geoffrey's needs, either.
Both boys deserve to be seen as individuals.
To me, that's what a thoughtful parent should strive for.
Not making everything identical.
Making sure each child receives fair consideration.
Helping Michael Shouldn't Mean Sacrificing Geoffrey's Progress
There's another part of the family dynamic that bothers me.
The adults seem to assume that Geoffrey's presence will make Michael's extra year easier.
Perhaps it would.
Having his brother nearby might provide comfort.
But why is Geoffrey supposed to bear the cost?
I don't like the idea of teaching a child that his opportunities must depend on what his sibling is ready to handle.
Children should learn kindness.
They should learn to help their brothers and sisters.
And they should understand that family members sometimes make reasonable sacrifices for one another.
But a sacrifice has to be considered fairly.
If Geoffrey were old enough to understand the situation and voluntarily offered to stay with Michael, I would still want the adults to examine whether that was wise.
Because children can feel responsible for their siblings' happiness even when nobody explicitly asks them to.
And parents shouldn't encourage one child to believe that his brother's emotional security depends on surrendering his own opportunities.
A child can love his brother without becoming responsible for managing his brother's development.
I also worry about what that arrangement might eventually teach Michael.
Does Michael need Geoffrey beside him to succeed?
Is he incapable of making new friends independently?
Should he feel that his brother must give up opportunities whenever he needs extra time?
I wouldn't want Michael learning any of those lessons.
He deserves to develop confidence in his own abilities.
If he needs another year with Sarah, let him enjoy that year without treating it as a failure.
Let him build friendships.
Let him master new skills.
And let him discover that he can manage a different classroom from Geoffrey.
Sometimes the kindest thing parents can do for two close siblings is show them that each is capable of standing on his own.
That isn't abandonment.
It's growing up.
We Already Saw Another Version of This Mistake on Silver Spoons
This episode reminds me of the Silver Spoons storyline in which Alfonso struggles academically and his uncle Dexter assumes he simply isn't applying himself.
In my article about Alfonso's dyslexia and the adults who misjudged his abilities, I explored why children shouldn't be judged as lazy or unintelligent before adults investigate what they're having trouble learning.
Michael's situation isn't the same.
The episode doesn't establish that he has dyslexia or any other learning disability. His teacher is discussing developmental readiness and specific motor skills.
But the underlying parenting principle is similar.
Adults should respond to the child they actually have.
If Michael needs more practice and another year of preschool, help him.
If Geoffrey is ready for kindergarten, recognize his achievement.
Don't label one boy stupid.
Don't treat the other as superior.
And don't force them onto the same educational path because you find their differences inconvenient.
The parents' job is to understand the differences and respond appropriately.
That may require extra patience.
It may require additional educational support.
And it may require allowing siblings to move forward at different times.
But that's what responsible parenting involves.
What I Would Have Told Ray and Debra
If Ray and Debra asked for my opinion, I'd tell them not to make any decision until both boys had been evaluated individually.
First, I'd want to understand the kindergarten teacher's concerns about Michael.
Which skills is he missing?
How much additional development does he need?
Would targeted instruction help?
And what are the benefits and drawbacks of repeating preschool rather than advancing with support?
I'd want those questions answered before deciding Michael should stay.
Then I'd ask the same teacher to explain Geoffrey's readiness.
If Geoffrey is prepared to enter kindergarten, I'd let him.
I'd also make sure the boys understood the decision in a way that didn't create shame or competition.
I wouldn't tell Michael that his brother was smarter.
And I certainly wouldn't let Frank start making jokes about anyone being stupid.
I'd explain that children sometimes learn different things at different times.
Geoffrey is ready for kindergarten.
Michael has some skills he's still working on.
That's all.
Neither is better than the other.
I would also ask how the boys feel about attending different classes and help them prepare for the transition.
Perhaps they'd be upset initially.
Perhaps they'd surprise everyone and enjoy having different experiences to talk about after school.
Either way, I'd help them adjust rather than automatically deciding that adjustment was impossible.
And if a qualified educator genuinely believed Geoffrey would benefit from remaining in preschool for reasons connected to Geoffrey himself, I'd consider that recommendation fairly.
But I would not keep him there solely because Michael needed to stay.
Geoffrey deserves his own educational decision. Michael deserves his own educational decision. Their parents owe them both that much.
And I wouldn't apologize for insisting on it.
My Verdict: Debra and Ray Were Wrong to Hold Geoffrey Back
I know the episode wants us to see loving parents who realize that their children's happiness is more important than rushing through school.
And I agree that childhood isn't a race.
A four-year-old shouldn't be made to feel like a failure because he's developing a skill more slowly than another child.
I also agree that the Barones shouldn't be obsessing over whether their sons are the smartest children in the classroom.
Ray's fear of looking stupid is his problem, not Michael's.
And Frank's belief that children should be pushed until they cry is no model for education.
But I cannot agree with holding Geoffrey back merely to keep the twins together.
The parents never establish that Geoffrey needs another year.
They establish that Michael might.
And instead of making two decisions based on two children's needs, they decide that keeping the boys together is more important.
I think that's unfair.
I don't care that they're twins.
I don't care that they perform a wonderful comedy routine together.
And I don't care that repeating preschool might not cause any obvious harm.
If Geoffrey is ready for kindergarten, he deserves the opportunity to go.
Michael deserves the support that will help him prepare at his own pace.
And neither boy should be made to feel inferior, guilty, or responsible for the other's progress.
I would hope that as they grew older, Ray and Debra would encourage their separate interests.
If Geoffrey wanted to play baseball and Michael preferred music, let them.
If Michael became an excellent writer while Geoffrey struggled with essays, help Geoffrey without making Michael stop writing.
If one eventually wanted to attend college and the other preferred a trade, respect both paths.
Because being brothers doesn't mean living identical lives.
And being twins doesn't change that.
At fifty-one, I believe one of the most important obligations parents have is to recognize their children as separate human beings.
Children aren't extensions of their parents.
They aren't copies of their siblings.
And they certainly aren't responsible for adjusting their entire development around another family member's needs.
A good parent should be capable of celebrating one child's progress while helping another child who needs additional support.
Without shame.
Without comparisons.
And without punishing either child for developing differently.
You don't demonstrate equal love by forcing two children to remain at the same level. You demonstrate it by giving each child the opportunity to become the person he's capable of becoming.
That's the principle I wish Ray and Debra had followed.
I hope Michael enjoyed his extra year with Sarah.
I hope he became more confident using scissors, drawing pictures, and completing the activities that had frustrated him.
And I hope Geoffrey continued learning and developing his own abilities.
But I would have sent Geoffrey to kindergarten if he was ready.
Even if it meant the twins spending a few hours apart.
They could still come home, play together, and put on their comedy routine for the family.
And perhaps they'd discover that being in different grades didn't make them any less close.
Because Michael and Geoffrey had something more meaningful connecting them than a classroom assignment.
They were brothers.
And brothers don't need to be held back together to remain brothers.
