I grew up believing that your word meant something, manners weren't optional, children needed parenting, and being a decent human being was something you demonstrated through your actions.
I'm 51 years old now, and I still believe those things.
Call me old-fashioned. I've been called worse.
I don't believe everything about the good old days was good, but I also don't believe everything modern society calls progress is necessarily an improvement. Somewhere along the way, I think we've confused being understanding with making excuses, respecting someone's feelings with excusing their behavior, and raising confident children with raising children who think the world revolves around them.
And I'm not afraid to say so.
What Being a Mensch Means to Me
I'm Jewish, although I'm not religiously observant. There's a Yiddish word I've carried with me throughout my life: mensch.
A mensch is someone with character. Someone who's honest, responsible, considerate, and decent. Someone who does the right thing because it's the right thing to do, not because there's an audience watching.
You don't have to be Jewish, religious, or even familiar with the word to be a mensch.
You just have to behave like one.
To me, that means keeping your promises, treating people with respect, admitting when you're wrong, and understanding that your actions affect other people.
It means having manners even when you're in a bad mood. It means helping someone without expecting a medal. It means teaching children that other people's feelings, time, and belongings deserve consideration.
And it means understanding that being a good person and thinking you're a good person are two entirely different things.
I've met enough people who consider themselves wonderful human beings while treating everyone around them like garbage.
Apparently, self-awareness wasn't included in their education.
My Television Education
Long before I studied sociology, I was learning about human behavior from television.
I watched Leave It to Beaver, The Andy Griffith Show, The Waltons, Little House on the Prairie, Good Times, All in the Family, and The Facts of Life.
Those programs helped shape my ideas about family, responsibility, honesty, kindness, prejudice, friendship, and what makes someone a decent human being.
Andy Taylor showed me the value of patience and common sense. Mrs. Garrett demonstrated that you could guide young people without talking down to them. The Evans family on Good Times showed me that having very little money didn't mean having very little dignity.
And Archie Bunker?
Well, Archie taught me quite a bit about what happens when someone is so convinced he's right that he stops listening to anybody else.
He also helped develop my sense of humor, so I suppose I owe him something.
What I loved about those shows was that people made mistakes, faced consequences, learned lessons, and occasionally discovered that they weren't nearly as smart as they thought they were.
You could laugh at their foolishness while recognizing a little of yourself, your family, or your neighbors.
And sometimes, you'd come away knowing exactly how you didn't want to behave.
Some Things Shouldn't Go Out of Style
I believe children need love, affection, guidance, boundaries, and discipline. They need adults who are willing to be parents, even when being a parent means saying no.
I believe children should be taught to say please and thank you, respect other people's belongings, take responsibility for their mistakes, and understand that disappointment is part of life.
I don't believe teaching respect requires frightening or humiliating a child. There is a difference between discipline and cruelty, just as there's a difference between kindness and permissiveness.
I believe adults should keep their word. If you promise somebody something, follow through. If circumstances change, have the decency to explain. Don't make excuses, disappear, or act as though the other person was foolish for believing you.
I believe apologies should mean something. Saying you're sorry is a start, but changing your behavior is what gives those words value.
And I believe good manners are one of the simplest ways we show consideration for others.
None of these ideas strikes me as terribly revolutionary.
Yet judging by some of the behavior I see, you'd think I was proposing something outrageous.
I Have Opinions, and I'm Going to Express Them
CouchDegree.com isn't a place where I'll pretend every character was equally right, every decision was understandable, or every disagreement can be resolved by declaring that everyone has a valid point.
Sometimes one person is wrong.
Sometimes a parent is being unreasonable. Sometimes a child is being spoiled. Sometimes a friend is selfish, a spouse is dishonest, or somebody needs to stop making excuses and take responsibility.
I'm willing to call that out, even when it's a character I love.
But I'll also give credit where it's deserved.
I don't automatically side with parents because they're older, children because they're younger, or someone because they're popular, powerful, wealthy, or well-intentioned.
I judge the behavior.
If you mistreat someone, your age doesn't excuse it. If you break a promise, your good intentions don't erase it. If you hurt someone, explaining why you did it isn't the same as making it right.
And if you're wrong, you're wrong. We've all been there. The trick is having enough character to admit it.
Old-School Doesn't Mean Blindly Defending the Past
I love classic television, but I'm not going to pretend that every lesson those shows taught was wonderful.
Some old television parents were too controlling. Some characters treated their spouses terribly. Some programs reflected prejudices and social expectations that deserved to be questioned.
I'll question them.
And I'll question modern television when I think its messages are equally misguided.
I'm not interested in defending something simply because it's old or praising something simply because it's new.
I have my own standards. Those standards don't change depending on which character happens to be delivering the message.
You may disagree with my conclusions, and that's fine. I don't expect everyone who visits CouchDegree.com to share my beliefs.
But I do believe disagreement can be handled without cruelty, insults, or treating other people as less deserving of basic human decency.
Having principles doesn't require being nasty.
What I Hope You'll Take Away
When I write about a television episode, I want to do more than remind you what happened.
I want to talk about what the characters did, whether their decisions were right or wrong, what the consequences were, and what we might learn from their mistakes.
Sometimes I'll admire a character's kindness. Sometimes I'll question a parenting decision. Sometimes I'll point out a ridiculous contradiction that makes me want to reach into the television and ask somebody what on earth they're thinking.
And sometimes I'll simply appreciate a good laugh.
I want you to finish an article feeling that you've gotten to know me a little better. You should understand what I believe, why I believe it, and how those beliefs shape my opinions.
You don't have to agree with me. But you won't have to guess where I stand.
I've spent a lifetime watching television, and I've learned that people are complicated, nobody gets everything right, and common sense can be surprisingly difficult to find.
But I still believe honesty, kindness, responsibility, manners, and personal integrity are worth standing up for.
You can call those old-fashioned values.
I call them being a mensch.
And that's the philosophy behind CouchDegree.com.
— Svetlana Shneyder
Founder & Author, CouchDegree.com
