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I've always thought that if Dorothy, Rose, Blanche, and Sophia had been real people, their neighbors would've had some fascinating stories to tell.
Four opinionated women living under one roof. Different personalities, different backgrounds, and absolutely no shortage of things to say.
Dorothy could deliver an insult without changing her expression. Rose could turn an ordinary conversation into a twenty-minute story about St. Olaf. Blanche considered herself irresistible to men, and Sophia rarely encountered a thought she felt obligated to keep to herself.
And somehow, despite all the arguments and aggravation, they became a family.
That's what I loved about The Golden Girls.
The show was funny, occasionally outrageous, and full of characters who could get on one another's nerves.
But underneath all those jokes was a rather old-fashioned idea.
A good friend is someone who makes room for you in her life, treats you with consideration, and doesn't disappear the moment things become inconvenient.
I don't believe friendship means agreeing with everything someone says. Nor do I believe a person has to tolerate endless insults simply because she's known somebody for years.
But I do believe good friends make an effort.
And these four women gave us plenty of examples of what that looks like—as well as a few examples of what not to do.
The Golden Girls Proved Friendship Doesn't Have an Expiration Date
When The Golden Girls premiered on NBC in September 1985, audiences were introduced to four older women sharing a home in Miami.
Dorothy Zbornak, played by Bea Arthur, was a divorced teacher with a sharp tongue and a fairly low tolerance for foolishness.
Rose Nylund, played by Betty White, was a kindhearted widow from Minnesota whose innocent observations could drive Dorothy to distraction.
Blanche Devereaux, played by Rue McClanahan, owned the house and had enough romantic stories to keep everyone entertained for several lifetimes.
And Sophia Petrillo, played by Estelle Getty, was Dorothy's mother—a woman who could make an entire room uncomfortable with one perfectly timed remark.
The series, created by Susan Harris, ran until 1992.
What made its premise unusual was that it treated older women's friendships as something worth building an entire sitcom around.
These weren't supporting characters whose only purpose was to dispense wisdom to younger people.
They had their own lives.
They dated, worked, argued, worried about money, made mistakes, and sometimes behaved like complete fools.
In other words, they were people.
And they were still capable of forming meaningful new relationships.
I've never understood the idea that friendship somehow becomes less important after a certain age.
Why should it?
People still want to laugh, share experiences, have conversations, and know there's someone who cares about them.
Getting older doesn't eliminate any of those needs.
It's something that also came to mind when I wrote "What the Full House Cast's Real-Life Friendships Teach Us About Loyalty." Jodie Sweetin and Andrea Barber have maintained a friendship since childhood, reminding us that relationships can continue growing long after the circumstances that brought people together have changed.
And The Golden Girls understood that beautifully.
You Don't Have to Be Alike to Become Good Friends
One of my favorite things about the series is that these women had so little in common on the surface.
Dorothy was intellectual and sarcastic.
Rose was trusting, sentimental, and sometimes wonderfully oblivious.
Blanche was dramatic, flirtatious, and extremely confident in her own appeal.
Sophia was blunt, practical, and perfectly willing to insult everyone at the table.
Put those personalities together, and you have a recipe for either a wonderful friendship or a very unpleasant homeowners' association meeting.
In "The Way We Met," the first-season finale that aired on May 10, 1986, the women remember how they originally came together.
Blanche had advertised rooms for rent. Rose responded, and Dorothy eventually became a housemate, too.
Their friendship certainly wasn't instantaneous.
They had to get used to one another's personalities, habits, and expectations.
That's something I appreciate.
I don't believe good friends need identical interests or personalities.
You can enjoy someone's company without sharing every opinion she has.
One friend may be outgoing while another is quiet. One may enjoy going out while another would rather stay home.
The important thing is whether they respect those differences.
I'd rather have a dependable friend who disagrees with me occasionally than an agreeable person who disappears whenever I need her.
That's a distinction worth remembering.
Being There Matters More Than Saying You're There
It's easy to tell someone you're a good friend.
Actually behaving like one takes a little more effort.
In "The Break-In," an early episode from 1985, the women return home to discover they've been burglarized.
Rose becomes especially frightened and struggles to regain her sense of security.
Her reaction becomes part of the episode's comedy, but the underlying situation isn't particularly funny.
Someone's home has been violated.
And what frightened Rose isn't necessarily going to frighten Dorothy or Blanche in the same way.
That's something friends need to understand.
You don't get to decide how seriously another person should take an experience simply because you think you would've handled it differently.
If a friend tells me something upsetting happened, I don't think my first response should be to explain why she shouldn't feel that way.
I'd rather ask:
"What happened? Are you all right? Is there anything I can do to help?"
Maybe she wants to talk.
Maybe she needs practical assistance.
Maybe she just wants someone to sit with her for a while.
Being supportive doesn't require taking over the situation or pretending to have all the answers.
I explored another side of loyalty in "Joe Cruz's Chicago Fire Goodbye: What Loyalty Looks Like When Life Changes." Whether we're talking about coworkers or lifelong friends, it's how we treat people during difficult transitions that reveals the quality of the relationship.
Sometimes it simply means paying attention.
And I think that's something plenty of people could stand to practice.
Good Friends Don't Make Everything a Competition
Now, let's discuss one of the less admirable moments in the girls' friendship.
In "Grab That Dough," which aired January 23, 1988, the women travel to California to appear on a game show.
Unfortunately, things begin going wrong almost immediately.
Their hotel arrangements fall apart, they lose their belongings, and by the time they reach the game show, everyone is probably wondering why they ever left Miami.
Then Blanche and Dorothy decide they'd have a better chance of winning if they teamed up with two experienced male contestants instead of Rose and Sophia.
So much for sticking together.
Naturally, Rose and Sophia aren't delighted to discover they've been treated as the less desirable teammates.
And the resulting competition becomes a complete mess.
I love this episode because it demonstrates something people don't always like admitting.
Sometimes friends become selfish.
Sometimes they start worrying more about what they can gain than about how they're treating the people who care about them.
And sometimes they behave as though friendship is wonderful—right up until a better opportunity comes along.
Now, I'm not saying a person must always choose her friends over everyone else.
You don't owe somebody a job, a business opportunity, or special treatment simply because you're friends.
But there's a difference between making a sensible decision and humiliating someone you supposedly care about.
If Blanche and Dorothy believed different teammates gave them a better chance of winning, they could've discussed it honestly.
Instead, their approach made Rose and Sophia feel expendable.
A good friend shouldn't make you feel valuable only when you're useful.
That goes for money, favors, social connections, and practically everything else.
If somebody suddenly remembers how much she appreciates you whenever she needs something, I'd pay attention to that pattern.
Friendship isn't supposed to be a convenience store.
Sometimes Friends Are Going to Get on Each Other's Nerves
I think one of the least realistic expectations people have about friendship is that good friends should never become annoyed with one another.
Good grief.
Spend enough time with practically anybody and something is eventually going to irritate you.
Maybe she repeats the same story.
Maybe she's always late.
Maybe she gives advice when nobody asked for it.
Or maybe she insists on explaining the entire history of St. Olaf when all you wanted was a simple answer.
Dorothy certainly knew that last problem.
What I liked about the women was that they could disagree, become irritated, and still care about one another.
But here's where I wouldn't follow their example completely.
Those insults may have been hilarious on television, but I don't think repeatedly humiliating someone is a healthy way to maintain a friendship.
Dorothy's impatience with Rose was often funny because of Bea Arthur's delivery and Betty White's wonderful reactions.
In real life, constantly calling a friend stupid would be cruel.
There's a difference between affectionate teasing and using someone's weaknesses as entertainment.
And the person receiving the joke gets a say in where that line is drawn.
I'd have no problem telling a friend:
"I know you're joking, but I really don't like being talked to that way."
A decent friend should care.
If she brushes it off and keeps doing it, the problem isn't that you lack a sense of humor.
The problem is that she isn't respecting what you've told her.
A Real Friend Can Tell You When You're Wrong
On the other hand, I don't want a friendship where everyone is expected to applaud every foolish decision.
If someone I care about is behaving badly, I believe I should be able to say something.
Not because I want to control her life.
Because sometimes being a good friend means being willing to have an uncomfortable conversation.
Suppose a friend repeatedly makes plans and then cancels at the last minute.
You could spend months silently resenting her.
Or you could say:
"I enjoy spending time with you, but when you cancel at the last minute, it makes planning difficult for me. If you're not sure you can make it, I'd rather you tell me."
That's honest.
It's specific.
And it gives the person an opportunity to change her behavior.
What I wouldn't do is launch into a speech about how she's the most selfish person who's ever walked the earth.
That's not constructive.
That's picking a fight.
The Golden Girls could be wonderfully direct with one another, and I admire that.
But I think the best version of their honesty is the kind that protects the friendship rather than simply winning the argument.
Being honest doesn't require being nasty.
And being kind doesn't require pretending everything is fine.
Friendship Isn't Always Pretty, Especially When Everyone Is Miserable
In "The Flu," which aired March 1, 1986, Dorothy, Rose, and Blanche become sick around the time they're supposed to attend an awards banquet.
To make matters worse, each believes she might be the recipient of a charity award.
So now we've got three miserable women, all feeling terrible, all getting on one another's nerves, and all worried about missing their chance for recognition.
Naturally, the situation doesn't bring out everybody's most charming qualities.
The women argue, become competitive, and test one another's patience.
Eventually, they recognize how badly they've been treating each other, although their desire to win that award certainly hasn't disappeared.
I find that very believable.
People aren't always at their best when they're exhausted, worried, disappointed, or uncomfortable.
That doesn't give anyone unlimited permission to mistreat others.
But it does mean a little understanding can go a long way.
Sometimes your friend isn't being unusually difficult because she's suddenly become a terrible person.
Maybe she's having a bad day.
Maybe she's overwhelmed.
Maybe she just needs some space.
I'd rather ask:
"You don't seem like yourself today. Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather have some time to yourself?"
Then I'd respect the answer.
Because here's something I believe strongly.
Being a good friend includes knowing when to leave somebody alone.
You don't have to fill every quiet moment with conversation.
You don't have to demand an explanation every time someone isn't in the mood to socialize.
And you certainly don't need to interpret another person's need for quiet as a personal rejection.
Friends can care about one another without being available twenty-four hours a day.
Sophia Proved You Can Become Family Without Being Related
Sophia was Dorothy's mother, but she wasn't related to Rose or Blanche.
And yet she became part of the family they created together.
That's one of the things I appreciate about The Golden Girls.
Family can mean more than the people whose names appear on your family tree.
Sometimes the people who show up, keep their promises, and care about your well-being become just as important.
But I also think it's important not to romanticize that idea.
Calling someone family doesn't automatically make the relationship healthy.
You can care deeply about another person and still need boundaries.
Sophia, for example, was perfectly capable of being intrusive, insulting, and downright impossible.
I wouldn't recommend tolerating every one of her remarks simply because she was older.
Respect should work in both directions.
And I don't believe somebody earns a lifetime exemption from good manners because she's your mother, your aunt, or your oldest friend.
If you want people to enjoy your company, how you treat them matters.
That goes for everyone.
Even Sophia Petrillo.
Though I suspect she'd have a few choice words for me if I told her so.
What I'd Actually Do to Be a Better Friend
I think the best friendship lessons are usually the simplest ones.
First, contact people when you don't need anything.
If the only time you call a friend is when you need a favor, don't be surprised if she begins wondering what you want whenever your name appears on her phone.
Sometimes a message as simple as this is enough:
"I was thinking about you today. How have you been?"
Second, listen to the answer.
And I mean actually listen.
Don't ask how somebody is doing and then interrupt halfway through because you've remembered something about yourself that you consider more interesting.
Third, remember the things that matter to your friend.
It reminds me of what John Ritter's co-stars still remember about his kindness. Sometimes a little encouragement or a thoughtful gesture means much more to someone than we realize.
If she's mentioned an important interview, appointment, family event, or difficult situation, follow up.
"How did everything go yesterday?"
It doesn't require a photographic memory.
It requires paying attention.
Fourth, be dependable.
If you promise to help someone, keep your word when you reasonably can. If your circumstances change, explain that rather than simply disappearing.
And finally, allow the friendship to change.
People get older. Their schedules change. Their interests evolve.
Someone who once had time to spend an entire Saturday with you may now have other responsibilities.
That doesn't automatically mean she no longer cares.
Sometimes maintaining a friendship requires finding a new way to stay connected.
A telephone conversation.
An occasional visit.
A thoughtful message.
Or even an afternoon spent eating cheesecake and talking about everything under the sun.
The important part is the mutual effort.
You Can Be a Good Friend Without Being a Doormat
There's one more thing I want to make clear.
Loyalty doesn't mean tolerating repeated mistreatment.
If a friend constantly insults you, violates your privacy, borrows things without returning them, or ignores every reasonable boundary you establish, you don't have to keep accepting it simply because you've known her for twenty years.
History matters.
But so does behavior.
A good friendship should leave room for disagreement, mistakes, apologies, and change.
It shouldn't require one person to do all the forgiving while the other refuses to take responsibility.
I believe in giving people reasonable opportunities to make things right.
I also believe people should show through their behavior that those opportunities mean something.
And if a friendship has become completely one-sided, it's reasonable to reconsider how much time and energy you devote to it.
Being a mensch doesn't mean allowing yourself to be treated badly.
It means trying to behave decently while expecting basic decency in return.
Why The Golden Girls Still Has Something to Teach Us
What makes The Golden Girls memorable isn't simply that four older women lived together in Miami.
It's that the series treated their friendships as important, complicated, and worth examining.
These women weren't perfect.
Dorothy could be cutting.
Rose could be frustrating.
Blanche could be vain and selfish.
Sophia could be brutally insensitive.
Yet each also brought something valuable to the household.
Dorothy offered common sense and honesty.
Rose brought warmth and sincerity.
Blanche contributed confidence, energy, and a willingness to embrace life.
Sophia supplied experience, resilience, and a rather formidable sense of humor.
Together, they created something none of them would've had in quite the same way alone.
And that, I think, is the real lesson.
You don't need friends who are exactly like you.
You need people who respect you, make an effort, tell you the truth, and remember that your feelings and circumstances matter, too.
People you can laugh with.
People you can disagree with.
People who won't treat you like an inconvenience the moment you stop being useful.
And people who understand that a friendship, like any worthwhile relationship, requires consideration from both sides.
I wouldn't want to live in that Miami house during one of Dorothy and Sophia's arguments.
But I wouldn't mind having friends who could sit around a kitchen table, share a cheesecake, and work through life's ups and downs together.
The best thing The Golden Girls taught us about friendship wasn't that good friends never fight. It was that genuine friendship takes effort, honesty, forgiveness, and the willingness to care about someone besides yourself.
And that lesson doesn't expire when you turn fifty, sixty, seventy, or ninety.
It's something worth practicing at every age.
That's what I call being a good friend.
And, of course, being a mensch.
Sources and Further Reading
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